...what i notice...

peeking out saying hello reminding me and myself of my

higher-ness

by the way

I am spewing forth & churning with new notions and noticing many
what-knots

and such. I don't know maybe this is what makes me so
l
e
t
h
a
r
g
I

c

yes wretched lethargy
curse its hide
it sucks that I am all withdrawn and catatonic

I feel like I need 3 months notice

A Lead Burka

A cinder block enclosure with lots of peep holes

And plenty of druggage even beginning to be comfortable

socializing

all these things in ordinary life

my stress intolerance

shuts me down

I remember high mind high mind high mind

my mantra

I am feeling all

weird and tired

I am thinking about asking someone

to come over here slap me

Finding Yourself Immersed in Time

The Global Brain-Peter Russell

Self absorbed and in toward

I hope this day is just extra bad by itself

Sometimes it is that way

a day

will be

torturously

tiresome

I know I am out of balance

I need to know where it lies

and make adjustments

But I can't seem to get the proper reception

My feelers don't know which way to tune

Breakfast with Therapy

When I first started treatment for my depression I included from the start therapeutic one on one counseling with a professional trained in the field. This person is of unique perspective and invaluable service providing a mirror into myself that I didn't know was possible.

Ninety minutes, once a week, for a full year I went to see him. I bled my heart out with him and shed so much misery as he reflected the goodness that was in everything I experienced. Everything that had me on this path to madness.

I must emphasize that the therapy we did was very intense. And not only just for me.

I had to relive so much in that office. So much including complex trauma from being a victim of a horrible crime. A crime you'd kill for if it happened to your mother.

I'd leave his office in an absolute total dissociative fugue. An unbelievable otherworldly state. I'd have to walk around the campus for an hour to compose myself before I could drive. Often finding a secluded place to purge myself of so much misery...heartbreak flowing from my soul through so many tears

One day I was trying to shake this yuck off of me. This awful black cloud. I starting thinking about funny things. Just random stuff that never fails to make me laugh. The sort of stuff that pops in your head out of nowhere. Like in the grocery store line, forcing your face to turn red as you try and stifle your laughter. Then I started thinking. I wonder what Dr Dear does to decompress? After all he's not a robot. He must have received some sort of training to shield himself from the horrible stories spewing from my mouth. Then I started laughing. All I could imagine was my Dr. scrubbing himself down in his office, but with what? What would he use? And that's when I thought...I know he's using cocoa puffs! out of his lunch box! Ritually cleansing his face of the residue of my sorrow...

Seasonal Colors

The thought of yellow..
The thought of yellow in the spring this time of year...
Yellow is so refreshing, bright and wholesome

Some things come to mind:

A clean and crisp yellow sheet drying in the breeze

A refreshing glass of ice cold lemonade

Light filtering through sheer yellow drapes

A mustard flower field

A yellow checkered sundress

and last

yellow jello (=

Momentum of Resistance

I can see through all of it
Just like air through air
Hurry asteroid!
The Planet is Hell
Run by Bastards

existential existence

i'm in my perch my loft doing some stretches and such
i look across the room and see my fossilized trilobite
sitting there
like fossils do
it is an extraordinary thing this fossil
it is more than likely 50 billion years old
that really should be an awe inspiring fact
but some how it isn't i just accept it
like 50 billion years ago is no big deal

thinking and thinking

I am trying to identify all the ways in which my issues have woven their way into my levels of consciousness… if the subconscious is unaware of the consciousness, what might my consciousness be unawares?

Learning what anxious is...

For a full day after my last psychotherapy visit, I was very anxious and upset. Tyler and I talked about Dror and that stirred up the huge cauldron of emotions that I have tied to him. I have come away from that therapy/client relationship with my Dear Dr Dror with many unresolved expressions, feelings, emotions, etc.etc... Time has been good to me as far as distancing the heartbreak of our parting. But to stir it up, investigate it, study it like we did, brought so much of it back to me. It has been a year more or less that I became aware, on heavy levels that I was soon to be without him. The particular placement of the planet at this time of year does something to stir up my feeling towards him too I see. the particular placement of the planet this time of year...that effect is very worthy of reflection. Places on Earthly planes of perspective are recollective of instances gone by, so it only serves to reason that the orbit of the earth, the specific places in its oblique circle, stir up memories and images much the same way...aaah Dror...I reflect upon you so much, you have to be a satellite of mine...

Some explanation & clarification is needed as to the meaning of this!

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-- T. S. Eliot

The Dark Path of a Reclusive Black Widow

In Her Mourning Gown
Brown Mascara running down

Leading to the way

From now On

Past Toys
Beyond Boys

The swell of tears
Brought Her here



Often Death marks a Turning Point
In One's Life

I'll keep my cigarettes and air conditioning though

Latent and Low Latent Inhibition

Latent Inhibition is the natural ability to filter out the majority of incoming stimuli to the brain so one can concentrate and not be bogged down by extraneous information incidental to one's focus. Some people have Low Latent Inhibition and depending on the degree as I see it, it can be crippling as in psychosis or a tool of enlightenment for someone with an artistic slant. Here is a list of the "Pros" of Low Latent Inhibition. When I read it I see that I can identify with the majority of the "symptoms". My therapist specialises in Psychosis and when I asked him he said I am definitely not in that catagory. I believe him but nonetheless I certainly can empathize and relate with the condition.

1. You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
   

2. Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.
   

3. You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
   

4. When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.
   

5. Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
   

6. Your memory is good. You can recall extensive details without effort.
   

7. You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.
   

8. Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
   

9. There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
   

10. Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.
    

11. You notice things that other people miss.
    

12. You are innately organised.
    

13. There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.
    

14. Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
    

15. You see the world more thoroughly.
    

16. Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.
    

17. Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.
    

18. Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

More From 'Dynamic Balancing Tai Chi'...

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

This is my current delusion...

The experience of my existence has been so overly fraught with grief and unhappiness that it is to the point to where I wish the entire Empire State Building would collapse singularily on me. And because of this pervasive attitude I seem to very very wary of the way I spend my time. To suffer through anything less than great moments and peak experience is a waste of time for me. Therefore being that these type experience are very rare... most of the time I am miserable.

Squeaks, Chirps, Caws and General Freak Noises

Why is it when I think of a "marshmallow factory" I sense an onslaught of a potential existential crisis arising? Is it because I'm just bent that way? You know... inclined toward becoming cross-eyed, catatonic and ungrounded over such things?

I guess it's really not the marshmallow factory as much as it is imagining the place, the people, the product.

There is definitely a lot tied to these jet-puffed confections...

Deselect the Blogger Image Gracefully

over the course of many maps i follow the path that leads me to magic places
i trudge relentlessly with otherworldly
heroic effort
many methods take me to many worlds
and they are always worlds of great discovery

for all my efforts, through the rough and treacherous tumble
i manage to unearth treasures

sometimes these treasures come in the form of glass
looking glass
glasses
a crystal ball
something to s e e through

this time what I saw through my glass
showered me
showed me
just how indredibily deluded I was
I once was
and surely still am
in ways
i haven't seen yet