the fact that you are unavailable has its draw

most certain
but that is just one
of several
zebra-zillion
stripes about you

This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

My Personality Hurts But I'm Glad You're Still Listening

I apologize if I am acting silly and maybe a little odd
I don't mean to call you Tyler-Cakes
And I don't mean to tell you I've changed the way I make my y's when I spell out your name
And I also don't mean anything by my big smiles
Except to say
While it's really true that I do love you
It's only because I liked you first
And now that I love you
I like you even more

(this is a poem to my therapist to whom I walk a path of transference with)

I feel sorry for the whole world when someone dies like that. It means we all failed.

Her best friend's mom committed suicide

I can only imagine the horror that the mom must have been going through

That kind of thing echoes through the generations

leaving the left behind

feeling so left behind

Momentum of Resistance

I can see through all of it
Just like air through air
Hurry asteroid!
The Planet is Hell
Run by Bastards

Momentous moments with more moments in between

My emotions trick me

they are the neurotic

but because they come in the form of emotion

when they strike me, i pay attention

as if they somehow are representing something urgent

an emergency

to be so keyed up this way

has to mean

something

something like

something must be wrong

what that something is

is anyone's guess

Well, for one, he was afraid of spiders & killed them indiscrimentally

I stopped a friendship from developing with a person
because I feared acquiring, adopting, the quirks,
or what appeared to be quirks to me, in their personality

As of yet, I have not been defined.
I have not defined myself.
I have trouble distinguishing what is you from

What is me

What is me

?

NOT a spider killer...

existential existence

i'm in my perch my loft doing some stretches and such
i look across the room and see my fossilized trilobite
sitting there
like fossils do
it is an extraordinary thing this fossil
it is more than likely 50 billion years old
that really should be an awe inspiring fact
but some how it isn't i just accept it
like 50 billion years ago is no big deal

lesson of the day...

S t e e l
Y o u r
S e l f

Learning what anxious is...

For a full day after my last psychotherapy visit, I was very anxious and upset. Tyler and I talked about Dror and that stirred up the huge cauldron of emotions that I have tied to him. I have come away from that therapy/client relationship with my Dear Dr Dror with many unresolved expressions, feelings, emotions, etc.etc... Time has been good to me as far as distancing the heartbreak of our parting. But to stir it up, investigate it, study it like we did, brought so much of it back to me. It has been a year more or less that I became aware, on heavy levels that I was soon to be without him. The particular placement of the planet at this time of year does something to stir up my feeling towards him too I see. the particular placement of the planet this time of year...that effect is very worthy of reflection. Places on Earthly planes of perspective are recollective of instances gone by, so it only serves to reason that the orbit of the earth, the specific places in its oblique circle, stir up memories and images much the same way...aaah Dror...I reflect upon you so much, you have to be a satellite of mine...

Some explanation & clarification is needed as to the meaning of this!

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-- T. S. Eliot

I am feeling nervous and aprehensive cause

I can feel my personality changing via controlled and embellished chemical pathways
I wonder how I can best take advantage of this mechanism
Control the course
To my best ends...

Human Kind and Me

When I think back
To the kind I attract
I think
I shouldn't have friends
Or try to make friends
Until I'm further along
In my growing

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

My Dearest Doctor, Psychologist, Analyst, Therapist, Kind Friend...

Dearest Doctor,

It is a creative day today and what I have to say goes like this. You see I often get ideas while in the shower or the bath and today, this train of thought struck me as interesting…

See I’ve always wanted to ask you of your professional opinion on my official diagnosis, you know if you could wrap it up in one sentence, what would you say, Doctor Dearest, what would you say?

Imagine, as if it were the end of human time and today was the last day of that end. It is a Tuesday and we are in session as always, early morning.

There are just hours left until human time expires so we feel really free to express ourselves. The power of professional boundaries are meaningless during these very last nows...

I say, Dear Doctor let’s role-play and you say, okay.

In these roles You are you and I am your most cherished professional colleague. I ask your opinion of Client Moondrop, and your answer is_________________________?

So curious what would you say? How would you sum me up?

After that line of thought struck me, I said to myself, Hmmmm now wouldn’t it be fun to role play as others, you know, way out others like, pretend you are Homer Simpson, and you confide in Marge the status of Client Moondrop?

Or you are Spock, stating your diagnostic analysis of Client Dana to Captain Kirk.

Or how about pretending like you are Carl Sagan or Deepak Chopra, Oprah or Sylvia Plath, Vincent VanGogh, Stevie Wonder? I really wonder what you would say?

Even to just me…Client Moondrop?