How could you do a thing like that? I thought you were my friend, I thought you were my friend...

i am with every stone i turn on this cobblestone path uncovering more and more errors
in the way i think and just exactly how deep some of it runs

cognitive errors
errors in thinking with roots that have woven themselves into the fabric of my personality
my very self

it is so scary to see these things
face them
and know that they have been a part of me for all my history

it is a frightening thing
so many of the stones I turn over have
Pandora's ugly bugs beneath them

This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

I feel sorry for the whole world when someone dies like that. It means we all failed.

Her best friend's mom committed suicide

I can only imagine the horror that the mom must have been going through

That kind of thing echoes through the generations

leaving the left behind

feeling so left behind