My Personality Hurts But I'm Glad You're Still Listening

I apologize if I am acting silly and maybe a little odd
I don't mean to call you Tyler-Cakes
And I don't mean to tell you I've changed the way I make my y's when I spell out your name
And I also don't mean anything by my big smiles
Except to say
While it's really true that I do love you
It's only because I liked you first
And now that I love you
I like you even more

(this is a poem to my therapist to whom I walk a path of transference with)

Letters A Thousand Feet High

I am surely saddened over my therapeutic relationship with my Dr coming to a close
It is amazing to me the way I am affected by it
I have never felt these things before and I say my goodness are they not anything but huge
Being that they are so big they come with much knowledge and experience to aid me as I negotiate my way across this wild plain

I really feel truly graced in knowing that I am a student worthy of such a teacher

I think the thing that makes it especially hard to say goodbye to this teacher is that I cannot imagine finding another to even come close in comparison to him

He is surely an otherworldly creature and to encounter one as such is a one in a billion chance

I mean how lucky could I be to rate so well again?

Such are my thoughts, and fears and anguishes

I do really good when I remember to not believe everything that I think

I found my last Fridays' visit with Dr to be a very soothing and satisfying as well as revealing as always

I look and see a depth in his eyes that is peerless in description
I see a place in there that feels more like home than home does
I rest there as I never have in my life
finding solace and sanctuary unparalleled and thrice unimagined on this fiercesome mortal coil

It is virtually impossible for me to become ground
As a matter of fact the week prior has left me so tired as trying to function when you cannot feel anything, especially the ground is exhausting

I don't want to face the reality of the pain that is encased in this parting

And this time the dissociative state is especially tempestuous
It is relentless in its many charms and in fact has me laced up in pleasures I had no prior taste of

Having me to wonder, what else does this siren have up her bottomless sieve?

With the effort of the kings army I respond to my Drs coaxing and I am back from the place of artificial escape

But it could not be so I realize, without my doctor and I feel the pain of reality trying to draw me back up out and away again
It is a great effort but I manage to stay 77 percent there
Holding on to that gaze of his like a life raft

Why do you want to leave so bad Moondrop?
Cause Dr I am in a state of grief so big to block the sun
He says is it because our therapy will soon end ?
And to that I say yes I grieve for you
I will miss you so much
Gosh I feel it now
The temptation to escape is maddening in its seductivity

In my illusions of delusion he comes to me right now
There he is in my house looking into my eyes
He reaches out and I easily feel his encouraging hand
He says, do not fall asleep Moondrop, come on, and let’s go
And I do, I hold his hand cause I know he knows the way

My Dearest Doctor, Psychologist, Analyst, Therapist, Kind Friend...

Dearest Doctor,

It is a creative day today and what I have to say goes like this. You see I often get ideas while in the shower or the bath and today, this train of thought struck me as interesting…

See I’ve always wanted to ask you of your professional opinion on my official diagnosis, you know if you could wrap it up in one sentence, what would you say, Doctor Dearest, what would you say?

Imagine, as if it were the end of human time and today was the last day of that end. It is a Tuesday and we are in session as always, early morning.

There are just hours left until human time expires so we feel really free to express ourselves. The power of professional boundaries are meaningless during these very last nows...

I say, Dear Doctor let’s role-play and you say, okay.

In these roles You are you and I am your most cherished professional colleague. I ask your opinion of Client Moondrop, and your answer is_________________________?

So curious what would you say? How would you sum me up?

After that line of thought struck me, I said to myself, Hmmmm now wouldn’t it be fun to role play as others, you know, way out others like, pretend you are Homer Simpson, and you confide in Marge the status of Client Moondrop?

Or you are Spock, stating your diagnostic analysis of Client Dana to Captain Kirk.

Or how about pretending like you are Carl Sagan or Deepak Chopra, Oprah or Sylvia Plath, Vincent VanGogh, Stevie Wonder? I really wonder what you would say?

Even to just me…Client Moondrop?