How could you do a thing like that? I thought you were my friend, I thought you were my friend...

i am with every stone i turn on this cobblestone path uncovering more and more errors
in the way i think and just exactly how deep some of it runs

cognitive errors
errors in thinking with roots that have woven themselves into the fabric of my personality
my very self

it is so scary to see these things
face them
and know that they have been a part of me for all my history

it is a frightening thing
so many of the stones I turn over have
Pandora's ugly bugs beneath them

the torment of unrest

this chemical malfunction
this neurosis
this mental malady
this craziness
this black dog
causes me so much undue pain
i feel it so deeply
sometimes i really worry
i worry about my heart exploding
broken heart pain is real
and sometimes my head feels like
it wants to explode too
like an aneurysm
this seizure of feeling
wears me threadbare
and my best friend is my bed

This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

Comrades In Arms

I am awfully depressed and do suffer terribly with sadness, so much pain something fierce

you know the feeling

which means you know the feeling
and that means
you relate
and i relate

we are here to show our comrades great things, comrade

bring out the best in each other, one another

it's my aim even during spells of madness

Momentous moments with more moments in between

My emotions trick me

they are the neurotic

but because they come in the form of emotion

when they strike me, i pay attention

as if they somehow are representing something urgent

an emergency

to be so keyed up this way

has to mean

something

something like

something must be wrong

what that something is

is anyone's guess

Learning what anxious is...

For a full day after my last psychotherapy visit, I was very anxious and upset. Tyler and I talked about Dror and that stirred up the huge cauldron of emotions that I have tied to him. I have come away from that therapy/client relationship with my Dear Dr Dror with many unresolved expressions, feelings, emotions, etc.etc... Time has been good to me as far as distancing the heartbreak of our parting. But to stir it up, investigate it, study it like we did, brought so much of it back to me. It has been a year more or less that I became aware, on heavy levels that I was soon to be without him. The particular placement of the planet at this time of year does something to stir up my feeling towards him too I see. the particular placement of the planet this time of year...that effect is very worthy of reflection. Places on Earthly planes of perspective are recollective of instances gone by, so it only serves to reason that the orbit of the earth, the specific places in its oblique circle, stir up memories and images much the same way...aaah Dror...I reflect upon you so much, you have to be a satellite of mine...

Latent and Low Latent Inhibition

Latent Inhibition is the natural ability to filter out the majority of incoming stimuli to the brain so one can concentrate and not be bogged down by extraneous information incidental to one's focus. Some people have Low Latent Inhibition and depending on the degree as I see it, it can be crippling as in psychosis or a tool of enlightenment for someone with an artistic slant. Here is a list of the "Pros" of Low Latent Inhibition. When I read it I see that I can identify with the majority of the "symptoms". My therapist specialises in Psychosis and when I asked him he said I am definitely not in that catagory. I believe him but nonetheless I certainly can empathize and relate with the condition.

1. You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
   

2. Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.
   

3. You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
   

4. When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.
   

5. Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
   

6. Your memory is good. You can recall extensive details without effort.
   

7. You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.
   

8. Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
   

9. There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
   

10. Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.
    

11. You notice things that other people miss.
    

12. You are innately organised.
    

13. There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.
    

14. Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
    

15. You see the world more thoroughly.
    

16. Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.
    

17. Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.
    

18. Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

More From 'Dynamic Balancing Tai Chi'...

Human Kind and Me

When I think back
To the kind I attract
I think
I shouldn't have friends
Or try to make friends
Until I'm further along
In my growing

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

moments as a person

I see endless crazy patterns of insanity as I look across the time

and spaces I have occupied

If you could see me you'd spy a widow head to toe in her mourning gown

Therapy for the deeply disturbed is deeply disturbing

Especially for the experiencer

Were I an investment firm I'd look back and see losses in the billions

For a God it would be like losing 7/8th of her creation

Stolen! Right from under your nose

The outrage is overwhelming

I'm tired boss