This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

My Personality Hurts But I'm Glad You're Still Listening

I apologize if I am acting silly and maybe a little odd
I don't mean to call you Tyler-Cakes
And I don't mean to tell you I've changed the way I make my y's when I spell out your name
And I also don't mean anything by my big smiles
Except to say
While it's really true that I do love you
It's only because I liked you first
And now that I love you
I like you even more

(this is a poem to my therapist to whom I walk a path of transference with)

Chemical Sensitivities

I am beginning to suspect that I experience adverse reactions to the chemicals associated with the effects of experiencing love

It's a silly/nice metaphor and such, but all jesters aside I believe I just might have a hypersensitivity

And I think I just might be on to something

I will surely find out more about this while studying physiology

One's things for certain though, nothing else has gotten me as high as love has

I feel sorry for the whole world when someone dies like that. It means we all failed.

Her best friend's mom committed suicide

I can only imagine the horror that the mom must have been going through

That kind of thing echoes through the generations

leaving the left behind

feeling so left behind

Falling in the Spring

Ever notice how it is we always fall in love? We never tread softly in to love, or step lightly in to love. If love is a good thing than why is it described as a fall?

Letters A Thousand Feet High

I am surely saddened over my therapeutic relationship with my Dr coming to a close
It is amazing to me the way I am affected by it
I have never felt these things before and I say my goodness are they not anything but huge
Being that they are so big they come with much knowledge and experience to aid me as I negotiate my way across this wild plain

I really feel truly graced in knowing that I am a student worthy of such a teacher

I think the thing that makes it especially hard to say goodbye to this teacher is that I cannot imagine finding another to even come close in comparison to him

He is surely an otherworldly creature and to encounter one as such is a one in a billion chance

I mean how lucky could I be to rate so well again?

Such are my thoughts, and fears and anguishes

I do really good when I remember to not believe everything that I think

I found my last Fridays' visit with Dr to be a very soothing and satisfying as well as revealing as always

I look and see a depth in his eyes that is peerless in description
I see a place in there that feels more like home than home does
I rest there as I never have in my life
finding solace and sanctuary unparalleled and thrice unimagined on this fiercesome mortal coil

It is virtually impossible for me to become ground
As a matter of fact the week prior has left me so tired as trying to function when you cannot feel anything, especially the ground is exhausting

I don't want to face the reality of the pain that is encased in this parting

And this time the dissociative state is especially tempestuous
It is relentless in its many charms and in fact has me laced up in pleasures I had no prior taste of

Having me to wonder, what else does this siren have up her bottomless sieve?

With the effort of the kings army I respond to my Drs coaxing and I am back from the place of artificial escape

But it could not be so I realize, without my doctor and I feel the pain of reality trying to draw me back up out and away again
It is a great effort but I manage to stay 77 percent there
Holding on to that gaze of his like a life raft

Why do you want to leave so bad Moondrop?
Cause Dr I am in a state of grief so big to block the sun
He says is it because our therapy will soon end ?
And to that I say yes I grieve for you
I will miss you so much
Gosh I feel it now
The temptation to escape is maddening in its seductivity

In my illusions of delusion he comes to me right now
There he is in my house looking into my eyes
He reaches out and I easily feel his encouraging hand
He says, do not fall asleep Moondrop, come on, and let’s go
And I do, I hold his hand cause I know he knows the way

Eyes and Essence

He revealed the next level of his essence
With his Eyes
Particularly his right eye

And in doing so
I glimpsed a depth of heart
Not noticed prior to that day
Particularly in my right eye