Breakfast with Therapy

When I first started treatment for my depression I included from the start therapeutic one on one counseling with a professional trained in the field. This person is of unique perspective and invaluable service providing a mirror into myself that I didn't know was possible.

Ninety minutes, once a week, for a full year I went to see him. I bled my heart out with him and shed so much misery as he reflected the goodness that was in everything I experienced. Everything that had me on this path to madness.

I must emphasize that the therapy we did was very intense. And not only just for me.

I had to relive so much in that office. So much including complex trauma from being a victim of a horrible crime. A crime you'd kill for if it happened to your mother.

I'd leave his office in an absolute total dissociative fugue. An unbelievable otherworldly state. I'd have to walk around the campus for an hour to compose myself before I could drive. Often finding a secluded place to purge myself of so much misery...heartbreak flowing from my soul through so many tears

One day I was trying to shake this yuck off of me. This awful black cloud. I starting thinking about funny things. Just random stuff that never fails to make me laugh. The sort of stuff that pops in your head out of nowhere. Like in the grocery store line, forcing your face to turn red as you try and stifle your laughter. Then I started thinking. I wonder what Dr Dear does to decompress? After all he's not a robot. He must have received some sort of training to shield himself from the horrible stories spewing from my mouth. Then I started laughing. All I could imagine was my Dr. scrubbing himself down in his office, but with what? What would he use? And that's when I thought...I know he's using cocoa puffs! out of his lunch box! Ritually cleansing his face of the residue of my sorrow...

Is True Objectivity Possible?

Since the measuring device has been constructed by the observer...
we have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself,
but nature exposed to our method of questioning. -

Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901-1976)

Try This...It's a Consciousness Exercise

It Grows New Brain Cells...

Ask yourself how you came to think of this question...?

Sit there in your chair and ask yourself how did I come to this question? Keep answering yourself for 15 minutes...

It'll go a little something like this...

Well I'm asking myself this question because, that moondrop woman blogged about it. I blog because I am into writing and blogging is something I learned about from my computer via the internet. I got my computer at a place called Datel and while there I ran into my classmate from Iceland. He's just getting back from visiting his family there and told me the fishing was great...


Get the idea? try it. Do it. Don't worry about time limits. It's really engaging and fun. And it counts as meditating too.

Momentum of Resistance

I can see through all of it
Just like air through air
Hurry asteroid!
The Planet is Hell
Run by Bastards

Time acts as space does when distancing oneself from a delusion

It is circular in this action

orbiting away

in an upward whirlpool

The Day I Tickled My Hippocampus

I am studying neurophysiology. I am learning much about the physical structure of, namely, the brain...
All of its hemispheres, components, systems, failures, diseases, malfunctions, etc.

I know all too good and well that my brain has some sort of organic malady. And through my studies I have learned that the area most likely to be affected in a brain such as mine will be the limbic system. And of that system, the amygdala and the hippocampus will have taken the hardest hits. One is hyperactive when it should be mellow, and the other is just the opposite. That's putting it really really basically.

I know what the limbic structure looks like. I've seen it in MRIs, CT scans, drawings, paintings, computer generated, animated images, autopsy photos...everything but, ummm, in the flesh...

I am really game to try anything, really what ever it takes to sooth my psychological unrest. I start imaginging my very own limbic system, and how it's stressed, and ailing, and tired. I start sort of empathising with its condition, trying to figure out ways to make it feel better, sooth it in a nurturing way. I imagine little hands with silken fingers, petting it and tickling it most lovingly. Carressing it and showing it some attention, right down to the cells of it, the molecular structure. I start laughing cause it is so playful and silly. I assume I do it in jest, but I see in all actuality it feels effective...in a good way...in a caring way...how amazing to be able to sooth my own brain by comforting its inner workings.

existential existence

i'm in my perch my loft doing some stretches and such
i look across the room and see my fossilized trilobite
sitting there
like fossils do
it is an extraordinary thing this fossil
it is more than likely 50 billion years old
that really should be an awe inspiring fact
but some how it isn't i just accept it
like 50 billion years ago is no big deal

Stream of Consciousness Writing

Okay, here is something all weird and funky you might wanna hear. Once I went to the movies with my bro Wilhelm. It was a Tuesday matinee for a Star Trek movie. No one was there, well not many of us. Anyway, you’re walking into the theatre with your popcorn and soda. You scan quickly for a seat. Right in the middle of my seat scanning my eyes come to an immediate halt…. Errrrrrrrrr! Or what ever tire screeching sounds like when sliding. What was it that drew my attention so hard and sharply? Tune in next week and ‘Ill tell you all about it… No really, right there in the middle of the theater sat a patron and this patron was not your ordinary patron no… no no no this patron was special. Not only was he sitting there alone in the middle of the theatre, with a big, shaven head, he was sitting there with red sequined DEVIL HORNS crowning is shinny dome! Me and Wil immediately see this and we both look at each other like dumb and dumber holding back our laughter, to the kind of tune you make when your about to pop. We totally wanted to crack up. I think I will leave here and come back as another person. I see this page is just loaded with red marks like a Polluck painting. Condescending little red marks all over the place; as if word perfect is my Nazi schoolmarm and each and every mistake I make is caught immediately and hauled off and stamped with with a scarlet letter. So anyway I will ignore that… oh damn it has been seven minutes. I think I will go past the 10 minutes. I really want to as this is so fun… it really is, which brings me to the not so fun, referring to this morning. I wake and I see that it is the day light hour the first thing that pops in my head was something from a dream, and it said fruits, vegetables and intellectuals. I’m like hey that sounds pretty clever, I need to write that down. So I thought about writing it down and then I said to my self, in a minute in a minute…it needs to soak a little in the sink… mm hmm, like I am just resting my eyes… Again, I think to myself, hey I need to write that down and 2 hours later I have. It has been 10 minutes. Now I will save this again, “Control Ess” is the keyboard shortcut. Keyboard shortcuts are very helpful and useful for me. Okay, you wanna hear something funny? The whole time I have been typing this, I myself have been brazenly sporting horns, red sequined devil horns. The End.

thinking and thinking

I am trying to identify all the ways in which my issues have woven their way into my levels of consciousness… if the subconscious is unaware of the consciousness, what might my consciousness be unawares?

Some explanation & clarification is needed as to the meaning of this!

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-- T. S. Eliot

The Problem With Being Crazy

Sometimes I think my sadness will overwhelm me to the point that my heart will break
Literally break
Shatter
Explode

It starts pounding and racing
and aching

Then I start worrying that it could really happen, and it makes me calm down, so I won't break it, cause if my heart really breaks I would surely die

All this just happened right now. I sometimes get triggered from a flashback to a time of past terror. I have lots of skills to combat flashbacks and I practice them intervening on my behalf, a lot of the time. But sometimes my skills don't work. Nothing works. And I start my hysteria...the downward spiral crossed the point of no return.

And I cry and I feel it...my heart certainly gets a good workout at least, right? Haha the optimist has come back!

I love mood swings...

The Dark Path of a Reclusive Black Widow

In Her Mourning Gown
Brown Mascara running down

Leading to the way

From now On

Past Toys
Beyond Boys

The swell of tears
Brought Her here



Often Death marks a Turning Point
In One's Life

I'll keep my cigarettes and air conditioning though

I am feeling nervous and aprehensive cause

I can feel my personality changing via controlled and embellished chemical pathways
I wonder how I can best take advantage of this mechanism
Control the course
To my best ends...

Latent and Low Latent Inhibition

Latent Inhibition is the natural ability to filter out the majority of incoming stimuli to the brain so one can concentrate and not be bogged down by extraneous information incidental to one's focus. Some people have Low Latent Inhibition and depending on the degree as I see it, it can be crippling as in psychosis or a tool of enlightenment for someone with an artistic slant. Here is a list of the "Pros" of Low Latent Inhibition. When I read it I see that I can identify with the majority of the "symptoms". My therapist specialises in Psychosis and when I asked him he said I am definitely not in that catagory. I believe him but nonetheless I certainly can empathize and relate with the condition.

1. You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
   

2. Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.
   

3. You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
   

4. When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.
   

5. Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
   

6. Your memory is good. You can recall extensive details without effort.
   

7. You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.
   

8. Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
   

9. There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
   

10. Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.
    

11. You notice things that other people miss.
    

12. You are innately organised.
    

13. There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.
    

14. Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
    

15. You see the world more thoroughly.
    

16. Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.
    

17. Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.
    

18. Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

More From 'Dynamic Balancing Tai Chi'...

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

This is my current delusion...

The experience of my existence has been so overly fraught with grief and unhappiness that it is to the point to where I wish the entire Empire State Building would collapse singularily on me. And because of this pervasive attitude I seem to very very wary of the way I spend my time. To suffer through anything less than great moments and peak experience is a waste of time for me. Therefore being that these type experience are very rare... most of the time I am miserable.

The Contemplating of Knowledge

I feel it is my duty, my responsibility as a person to learn all I can about everything I can.
As if it is somehow incumbent upon me
To contribute what I learn
To all
Of Humanity