hmmmm...makes me think along interesting lines

Michael Persinger - Psychotropic drugs and nature of reality -

through the turmoil

of being part of the fringe

to smile is to remember the truth

Matrix of Power

Matrix of Power

How could you do a thing like that? I thought you were my friend, I thought you were my friend...

i am with every stone i turn on this cobblestone path uncovering more and more errors
in the way i think and just exactly how deep some of it runs

cognitive errors
errors in thinking with roots that have woven themselves into the fabric of my personality
my very self

it is so scary to see these things
face them
and know that they have been a part of me for all my history

it is a frightening thing
so many of the stones I turn over have
Pandora's ugly bugs beneath them

I R Hungry Kitteh But I Wayt

my cat
she's so weird
a client of kitty neurosis dot com
she knows she's hungry
and really wants to attack her marvelous morsels i've put out
but she waits...
she stalls...
she sits in a dark corner

and then...
when i pretend i'm not looking
that's when she goes
all non-chalant
and attacks her marvelous morsels
silly kitty

What Can I Do?

where to put it?
I need to set it down
all this
I'm missing you stuff

I want to tell you that i miss you
but you are nowhere to hear
in no posistion
to listen
out of access
line interrupted
sudden brutal disconnection
where
do I put this
I'm missing you stuff?

The Shelling is Relentless Regardless of Tactical Evasive Measures

I turn around
see that once was sound
my fortress
is now
in little scattered shambles
all in a row
leading off to heaven knows where
north of here
somewhere allegedly near the Capital

the stark, blasted flat-out unreality of it all is
the tricky part
striking me silly
somewhere
spinning me
blindfolded
I have my tail
my pin
but the donkey has fled
due...north
out of here

You Are Who?

potential portals chase my rhyme

they thaw the constraints found in time

a bridge so dark from foggy days

please blow to clear that blinding haze

lift to light

a dark made stark

super-glue my shattered heart

who are you to outshine the sun?

who are you?

sent by what one?

who are you the other side of the blaze?

who gave you the right to

shatter my daze?

He Is Made Of Myth

This hero with a thousand graces

A guru

To look up to

Smiling at me from across

A stretch between two moments

Became a divine vision

A holy dream

Who is it I may lay

This mistaken identity on?

No uncertainty

Only

A legend

7 feet tall!

Will do

so much is so mysterious...

maybe we are beings from another dimension and the way we get high is to take
a magical compound that immerses us into the earth realm...
here
and we see each other in fantastic light
where otherwise we wouldn't

Share Your Beautiful Smile With The World More Often!

A passing thought as a social critic

I think it is interesting how cult-like organizations form around brands

The cult reference isn't good cause that word stirs controversy where I'd like to see objectivity

When thinking about things like consumer loyalty

It fascinates the part of me that is interested in human behavior

The Shelling is Relentless Regardless of Evasive Measures

I turn around
see that once was sound
my fortress
is now
in little scattered shambles
all in a row
leading off to heaven knows where
north of here
somewhere allegedly near the Capital

the stark, blasted flat-out unreality of it all is
the tricky part
striking me silly
somewhere
spinning me
blindfolded
I have my tail
my pin
but the donkey has fled
due...
out of here

The Strangest Secret Earl Nightingale Conant 1950's Origional FULL 31:35 Min.

(Talk to me some more, You know that you don't have to go)

Empty Picture Frame

I have invisible friends now

2 of them

They are my friends

But their ethereal composition

Is like a chocolate cake

On a too high shelf

I can see them

Taste them

Hear them feel them

I beseech

But I just can't reach

...what i notice...

peeking out saying hello reminding me and myself of my

higher-ness

by the way

I am spewing forth & churning with new notions and noticing many
what-knots

and such. I don't know maybe this is what makes me so
l
e
t
h
a
r
g
I

c

yes wretched lethargy
curse its hide
it sucks that I am all withdrawn and catatonic

I feel like I need 3 months notice

A Lead Burka

A cinder block enclosure with lots of peep holes

And plenty of druggage even beginning to be comfortable

socializing

all these things in ordinary life

my stress intolerance

shuts me down

I remember high mind high mind high mind

my mantra

I am feeling all

weird and tired

I am thinking about asking someone

to come over here slap me

the torment of unrest

this chemical malfunction
this neurosis
this mental malady
this craziness
this black dog
causes me so much undue pain
i feel it so deeply
sometimes i really worry
i worry about my heart exploding
broken heart pain is real
and sometimes my head feels like
it wants to explode too
like an aneurysm
this seizure of feeling
wears me threadbare
and my best friend is my bed

that's funny

I try to get through to life
it gives me the silent treatment
but still it refuses to change its phone number

Can you double up on the tetrahydrozoline please?

And then she finds this hive is very different from hers
She's been swept up in an anomalous vortex
Very rogue in kind
Sending her to a place with 10x more activity
Than she's used to
If she closes her eyes
She can understand
But
The teacher yells at her
Making an example of her
When she does

A Short Yet Powerful Clip on Freedom, Personal Protection, Tyranny & The Second Amendment

Finding Yourself Immersed in Time

The Global Brain-Peter Russell

No judgment

Everything in life holds both a blessing and a curse. We deny this when we label the events of our lives as either good or bad. The following old Zen story illustrates this lesson most effectively.

A farmer had a horse but one day, the horse ran away and so the farmer and his son had to plow their fields themselves. Their neighbors said, "Oh, what bad luck that your horse ran away!" But the farmer replied, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"

The next week, the horse returned to the farm, bringing a herd of wild horses with him. "What wonderful luck!" cried the neighbors, but the farmer responded, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"

Then, the farmer's son was thrown as he tried to ride one of the wild horses, and he broke his leg. "Ah, such bad luck," sympathized the neighbors. Once again, the farmer responded, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"

A short time later, the ruler of the country recruited all young men to join his army for battle. The son, with his broken leg, was left at home. "What good luck that your son was not forced into battle!" celebrated the neighbors. And the farmer remarked, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"

"Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken."

-- Jean Jacques Rousseau

Convolusion in Thought

this sadness
in this departure
has me lost in seven
seas of grief

i cry but i don't know why
is it because
you are going away ?

or is it that I am addicted
to intense emotions and using
this reason as catalyst
to this deep despair?

Self absorbed and in toward

I hope this day is just extra bad by itself

Sometimes it is that way

a day

will be

torturously

tiresome

I know I am out of balance

I need to know where it lies

and make adjustments

But I can't seem to get the proper reception

My feelers don't know which way to tune

Rescue One Another

Saray had the kind of way in which she would automatically want to intervene whenever she found her self in or near human people in conflict.

One time comes to mind when at work. A couple of colleagues were having it out over some misunderstanding and were starting to get a bit loud and hostile. Saray sticks her thoughts in edge wise and says, "Fellas 'cuse me if I may, I'd like to ask if I might help mediate your dilemma. I am studying the art of diplomacy and this would be great practice for my lessons".

Both of them looked at her dumbstruck and sideways at first but then agreed to let her have a go with her techniques.

Amazingly she pulled it off.

She did and wowed the bit of crowed since gathered by the ruckus.

I was quite impressed with her.

She really came to the rescue with her social first aid kit and kindness.

:)

Kissing Jupiter from the Tastebuds of a Ladybug in Lava

But I think by failing to view things from even the silliest of vantage points we limit our potential and ourselves.

the fact that you are unavailable has its draw

most certain
but that is just one
of several
zebra-zillion
stripes about you

I Declare And Dedicate One Year To The Full Expression Of My Magical Thinking

I choose to indulge in and express all

that I imagine to be real

the expression will be of course based in unreality

But that does not stop me from reaping the great rewards of

The psuedo states of Bliss found

None The Less

No, Nonetheless

eyes on the moment

The days have been so beautiful
I would love to hit one from the gate

I have been doing a lot of brain work
you could say

I was prompted to do some writing on

the subject from some reading of the same

I practically felt my neural networks

pulling my thoughts along my investigation

One thing leading to another to another to another

Along comes infinity

I saw how all thought is one thought

As in, I have been thinking since I first noticed
and I still am

This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

My Personality Hurts But I'm Glad You're Still Listening

I apologize if I am acting silly and maybe a little odd
I don't mean to call you Tyler-Cakes
And I don't mean to tell you I've changed the way I make my y's when I spell out your name
And I also don't mean anything by my big smiles
Except to say
While it's really true that I do love you
It's only because I liked you first
And now that I love you
I like you even more

(this is a poem to my therapist to whom I walk a path of transference with)

Breakfast with Therapy

When I first started treatment for my depression I included from the start therapeutic one on one counseling with a professional trained in the field. This person is of unique perspective and invaluable service providing a mirror into myself that I didn't know was possible.

Ninety minutes, once a week, for a full year I went to see him. I bled my heart out with him and shed so much misery as he reflected the goodness that was in everything I experienced. Everything that had me on this path to madness.

I must emphasize that the therapy we did was very intense. And not only just for me.

I had to relive so much in that office. So much including complex trauma from being a victim of a horrible crime. A crime you'd kill for if it happened to your mother.

I'd leave his office in an absolute total dissociative fugue. An unbelievable otherworldly state. I'd have to walk around the campus for an hour to compose myself before I could drive. Often finding a secluded place to purge myself of so much misery...heartbreak flowing from my soul through so many tears

One day I was trying to shake this yuck off of me. This awful black cloud. I starting thinking about funny things. Just random stuff that never fails to make me laugh. The sort of stuff that pops in your head out of nowhere. Like in the grocery store line, forcing your face to turn red as you try and stifle your laughter. Then I started thinking. I wonder what Dr Dear does to decompress? After all he's not a robot. He must have received some sort of training to shield himself from the horrible stories spewing from my mouth. Then I started laughing. All I could imagine was my Dr. scrubbing himself down in his office, but with what? What would he use? And that's when I thought...I know he's using cocoa puffs! out of his lunch box! Ritually cleansing his face of the residue of my sorrow...

How Can I fix My Brain When I'm Trying To Fix My Brain With A Brain That Needs Fixing?

Jack said: I think I figured out what the deal is MJ. I think I know how to approach this burning topic. I think the whole crux of it rests on the fact that I've just seen, been witness to, experienced, tasted an over abundance of soul shaking human carnage.

MJ Jones: Well you were/are a warrior is that not true? And how many campaigns was that? across the years? Through endless fields of tears? pretending you were invulnerable and above it all?

Jack: I see. Certainly I must have been averse to it from the onslaught, the start, from the very beginning of things. I see I did what I had to do to survive. Hey MJ, ... guess what?

MJ Jones: What's that Jack?

Jack: I just noticed something else

MJ Jones: ?

Jack: I'm still alive...

Comrades In Arms

I am awfully depressed and do suffer terribly with sadness, so much pain something fierce

you know the feeling

which means you know the feeling
and that means
you relate
and i relate

we are here to show our comrades great things, comrade

bring out the best in each other, one another

it's my aim even during spells of madness

Chemical Sensitivities

I am beginning to suspect that I experience adverse reactions to the chemicals associated with the effects of experiencing love

It's a silly/nice metaphor and such, but all jesters aside I believe I just might have a hypersensitivity

And I think I just might be on to something

I will surely find out more about this while studying physiology

One's things for certain though, nothing else has gotten me as high as love has

Dear Universe, Thanks for helping me get smarter, but sheesh already,

Do you have to insist on being such a heartless tyrant?

Your lessons although priceless and brilliant are relentless in their level of difficulty and since I have earned quite a bit of seniority on the scene, I feel it is high time you re-visit your lesson plan

You've got my attention you know





You can stop yelling at me now

"Death Needs Time For What It Kills To Grow In"

The Wallpaper Project

Seasonal Colors

The thought of yellow..
The thought of yellow in the spring this time of year...
Yellow is so refreshing, bright and wholesome

Some things come to mind:

A clean and crisp yellow sheet drying in the breeze

A refreshing glass of ice cold lemonade

Light filtering through sheer yellow drapes

A mustard flower field

A yellow checkered sundress

and last

yellow jello (=

From the Obssession Files

The word "Chicago" has been haunting me for months
i know now that i've noticed it, i'll notice it more, and more and more...

it is so weird it tries to mean like it means something

flippin' weird

am I bats yet? LoL

I feel sorry for the whole world when someone dies like that. It means we all failed.

Her best friend's mom committed suicide

I can only imagine the horror that the mom must have been going through

That kind of thing echoes through the generations

leaving the left behind

feeling so left behind

Quanitfying what the feelings are with words to aid in understanding

The clues are so cryptic
heiroglyphic


Everywhere i go
the background or ambient noise
starts to organize
and next i'm hearing
all sorts of forms of symphony from
any continent out there
it is so imaginative
this music is so diverse

Composed of
the rain mixed with the computer hmmm
then the cars going by
the refridgerator
they all play
so melodious through
the true eye

The increase of my medicine
factors greatly

Is True Objectivity Possible?

Since the measuring device has been constructed by the observer...
we have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself,
but nature exposed to our method of questioning. -

Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901-1976)

Try This...It's a Consciousness Exercise

It Grows New Brain Cells...

Ask yourself how you came to think of this question...?

Sit there in your chair and ask yourself how did I come to this question? Keep answering yourself for 15 minutes...

It'll go a little something like this...

Well I'm asking myself this question because, that moondrop woman blogged about it. I blog because I am into writing and blogging is something I learned about from my computer via the internet. I got my computer at a place called Datel and while there I ran into my classmate from Iceland. He's just getting back from visiting his family there and told me the fishing was great...


Get the idea? try it. Do it. Don't worry about time limits. It's really engaging and fun. And it counts as meditating too.

Momentum of Resistance

I can see through all of it
Just like air through air
Hurry asteroid!
The Planet is Hell
Run by Bastards

Time acts as space does when distancing oneself from a delusion

It is circular in this action

orbiting away

in an upward whirlpool

Momentous moments with more moments in between

My emotions trick me

they are the neurotic

but because they come in the form of emotion

when they strike me, i pay attention

as if they somehow are representing something urgent

an emergency

to be so keyed up this way

has to mean

something

something like

something must be wrong

what that something is

is anyone's guess

Waking Life (a great movie)

Divert the Subliminal Messages

The Day I Tickled My Hippocampus

I am studying neurophysiology. I am learning much about the physical structure of, namely, the brain...
All of its hemispheres, components, systems, failures, diseases, malfunctions, etc.

I know all too good and well that my brain has some sort of organic malady. And through my studies I have learned that the area most likely to be affected in a brain such as mine will be the limbic system. And of that system, the amygdala and the hippocampus will have taken the hardest hits. One is hyperactive when it should be mellow, and the other is just the opposite. That's putting it really really basically.

I know what the limbic structure looks like. I've seen it in MRIs, CT scans, drawings, paintings, computer generated, animated images, autopsy photos...everything but, ummm, in the flesh...

I am really game to try anything, really what ever it takes to sooth my psychological unrest. I start imaginging my very own limbic system, and how it's stressed, and ailing, and tired. I start sort of empathising with its condition, trying to figure out ways to make it feel better, sooth it in a nurturing way. I imagine little hands with silken fingers, petting it and tickling it most lovingly. Carressing it and showing it some attention, right down to the cells of it, the molecular structure. I start laughing cause it is so playful and silly. I assume I do it in jest, but I see in all actuality it feels effective...in a good way...in a caring way...how amazing to be able to sooth my own brain by comforting its inner workings.

"Hope is the bridge between success and failure"

this is true and sometimes i do

feel so hopeless

i don't like to but it just happens

you know

sometimes

Well, for one, he was afraid of spiders & killed them indiscrimentally

I stopped a friendship from developing with a person
because I feared acquiring, adopting, the quirks,
or what appeared to be quirks to me, in their personality

As of yet, I have not been defined.
I have not defined myself.
I have trouble distinguishing what is you from

What is me

What is me

?

NOT a spider killer...

Falling in the Spring

Ever notice how it is we always fall in love? We never tread softly in to love, or step lightly in to love. If love is a good thing than why is it described as a fall?

existential existence

i'm in my perch my loft doing some stretches and such
i look across the room and see my fossilized trilobite
sitting there
like fossils do
it is an extraordinary thing this fossil
it is more than likely 50 billion years old
that really should be an awe inspiring fact
but some how it isn't i just accept it
like 50 billion years ago is no big deal

Stream of Consciousness Writing

Okay, here is something all weird and funky you might wanna hear. Once I went to the movies with my bro Wilhelm. It was a Tuesday matinee for a Star Trek movie. No one was there, well not many of us. Anyway, you’re walking into the theatre with your popcorn and soda. You scan quickly for a seat. Right in the middle of my seat scanning my eyes come to an immediate halt…. Errrrrrrrrr! Or what ever tire screeching sounds like when sliding. What was it that drew my attention so hard and sharply? Tune in next week and ‘Ill tell you all about it… No really, right there in the middle of the theater sat a patron and this patron was not your ordinary patron no… no no no this patron was special. Not only was he sitting there alone in the middle of the theatre, with a big, shaven head, he was sitting there with red sequined DEVIL HORNS crowning is shinny dome! Me and Wil immediately see this and we both look at each other like dumb and dumber holding back our laughter, to the kind of tune you make when your about to pop. We totally wanted to crack up. I think I will leave here and come back as another person. I see this page is just loaded with red marks like a Polluck painting. Condescending little red marks all over the place; as if word perfect is my Nazi schoolmarm and each and every mistake I make is caught immediately and hauled off and stamped with with a scarlet letter. So anyway I will ignore that… oh damn it has been seven minutes. I think I will go past the 10 minutes. I really want to as this is so fun… it really is, which brings me to the not so fun, referring to this morning. I wake and I see that it is the day light hour the first thing that pops in my head was something from a dream, and it said fruits, vegetables and intellectuals. I’m like hey that sounds pretty clever, I need to write that down. So I thought about writing it down and then I said to my self, in a minute in a minute…it needs to soak a little in the sink… mm hmm, like I am just resting my eyes… Again, I think to myself, hey I need to write that down and 2 hours later I have. It has been 10 minutes. Now I will save this again, “Control Ess” is the keyboard shortcut. Keyboard shortcuts are very helpful and useful for me. Okay, you wanna hear something funny? The whole time I have been typing this, I myself have been brazenly sporting horns, red sequined devil horns. The End.

thinking and thinking

I am trying to identify all the ways in which my issues have woven their way into my levels of consciousness… if the subconscious is unaware of the consciousness, what might my consciousness be unawares?

Checking each other out bouncing ideas off one another all the while I get brighter and brighter blue-prints

The cat has got my tongue my telephones tongue too

My other

Cat has the rest of us asimmer in witches brew

It is kind of like being in a state

that is of great enjoyment euphoric in a big stick, summer day kind of way

One that you do not want interupt anytime soon

lesson of the day...

S t e e l
Y o u r
S e l f

The 13 Moon Calendar

It occurred to me that perhaps the entirety of my psychological unrest, rests on the fact that I have bought into the idea of the Gregorian Calendar. I've bought it lock, stock and barrel...hook line and stinker. I have a receipt for the whole nine yards of it.

I am very avail to set my self up to start using an alternative. The 13 Moon Calendar of days and times, places and people yon past seems much more conducive to me.

I think it is worth a try. I mean I would try anything to gain some perspective on this madness.

Time has NEVER made sense to me.

It really could be my problem.

The very crux of it all...

Learning what anxious is...

For a full day after my last psychotherapy visit, I was very anxious and upset. Tyler and I talked about Dror and that stirred up the huge cauldron of emotions that I have tied to him. I have come away from that therapy/client relationship with my Dear Dr Dror with many unresolved expressions, feelings, emotions, etc.etc... Time has been good to me as far as distancing the heartbreak of our parting. But to stir it up, investigate it, study it like we did, brought so much of it back to me. It has been a year more or less that I became aware, on heavy levels that I was soon to be without him. The particular placement of the planet at this time of year does something to stir up my feeling towards him too I see. the particular placement of the planet this time of year...that effect is very worthy of reflection. Places on Earthly planes of perspective are recollective of instances gone by, so it only serves to reason that the orbit of the earth, the specific places in its oblique circle, stir up memories and images much the same way...aaah Dror...I reflect upon you so much, you have to be a satellite of mine...

Exceptional Excitation and Verve

BE HERE NOW, beyond mind, beyond imagination, beyond everything.

Some explanation & clarification is needed as to the meaning of this!

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-- T. S. Eliot

The Problem With Being Crazy

Sometimes I think my sadness will overwhelm me to the point that my heart will break
Literally break
Shatter
Explode

It starts pounding and racing
and aching

Then I start worrying that it could really happen, and it makes me calm down, so I won't break it, cause if my heart really breaks I would surely die

All this just happened right now. I sometimes get triggered from a flashback to a time of past terror. I have lots of skills to combat flashbacks and I practice them intervening on my behalf, a lot of the time. But sometimes my skills don't work. Nothing works. And I start my hysteria...the downward spiral crossed the point of no return.

And I cry and I feel it...my heart certainly gets a good workout at least, right? Haha the optimist has come back!

I love mood swings...

Note to self....

“Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves.”

Carl Sagan

The Dark Path of a Reclusive Black Widow

In Her Mourning Gown
Brown Mascara running down

Leading to the way

From now On

Past Toys
Beyond Boys

The swell of tears
Brought Her here



Often Death marks a Turning Point
In One's Life

I'll keep my cigarettes and air conditioning though

I am Thinking Jubilantly Exhuberant Refreshing Thoughts

I am feeling nervous and aprehensive cause

I can feel my personality changing via controlled and embellished chemical pathways
I wonder how I can best take advantage of this mechanism
Control the course
To my best ends...

The Reality of Truth

Giving yourself permission to be crazy
Is acknowledging that you are
Which is, of course, acceptance

The Birth of Light

Latent and Low Latent Inhibition

Latent Inhibition is the natural ability to filter out the majority of incoming stimuli to the brain so one can concentrate and not be bogged down by extraneous information incidental to one's focus. Some people have Low Latent Inhibition and depending on the degree as I see it, it can be crippling as in psychosis or a tool of enlightenment for someone with an artistic slant. Here is a list of the "Pros" of Low Latent Inhibition. When I read it I see that I can identify with the majority of the "symptoms". My therapist specialises in Psychosis and when I asked him he said I am definitely not in that catagory. I believe him but nonetheless I certainly can empathize and relate with the condition.

1. You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
   

2. Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.
   

3. You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
   

4. When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.
   

5. Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
   

6. Your memory is good. You can recall extensive details without effort.
   

7. You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.
   

8. Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
   

9. There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
   

10. Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.
    

11. You notice things that other people miss.
    

12. You are innately organised.
    

13. There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.
    

14. Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
    

15. You see the world more thoroughly.
    

16. Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.
    

17. Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.
    

18. Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

More From 'Dynamic Balancing Tai Chi'...

Human Kind and Me

When I think back
To the kind I attract
I think
I shouldn't have friends
Or try to make friends
Until I'm further along
In my growing

Orphan Doomed to be a Perpetual Child

I have no inner guidance system
No outer guidance system
So in my childish mind I start seeking out patterns
Like stepping stones in the outer world to cling to
To navigate with
I am a rudderless wandering
Compass less wonderer

My inner guidance system is
That tiny little voice that says
You know I know the way
Why you don't tune into me more
I can't understand

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

Good Citizen Goodie MoonDrop

For my therapeutic assignment I am to leave my place of seclusion called home and go to the library.

At the library I am to interact with the librarian inquiring as to her services as a research assistant.

Instead my head is telling me to stay in bed and do nothing but sleep my life away.

Away from this self imposed treachery present in each one of my steps.

The temptation is strong to escape to dream land

Very strong, attractive, luring

And then so says the reasoning part of me

No. let's not do nothing, let's do something

Anything but nothing

So here I am blogging apropos of nothing

Very apropos toward my greater good

Now off to my domestic responsibility

You've Attained God Like Status in My Eyes

through time coming and going

I visualize you waiting for me

tainted with impossible roses

posing like my lover

my mother

my cat my sister my brother

visions of your eyes gazing

back at mine

back at mine

seduce me

i see you walking to me

walking in the moonlight

to me

walking to me

This is my current delusion...

The experience of my existence has been so overly fraught with grief and unhappiness that it is to the point to where I wish the entire Empire State Building would collapse singularily on me. And because of this pervasive attitude I seem to very very wary of the way I spend my time. To suffer through anything less than great moments and peak experience is a waste of time for me. Therefore being that these type experience are very rare... most of the time I am miserable.

Squeaks, Chirps, Caws and General Freak Noises

Why is it when I think of a "marshmallow factory" I sense an onslaught of a potential existential crisis arising? Is it because I'm just bent that way? You know... inclined toward becoming cross-eyed, catatonic and ungrounded over such things?

I guess it's really not the marshmallow factory as much as it is imagining the place, the people, the product.

There is definitely a lot tied to these jet-puffed confections...

moments as a person

I see endless crazy patterns of insanity as I look across the time

and spaces I have occupied

If you could see me you'd spy a widow head to toe in her mourning gown

Therapy for the deeply disturbed is deeply disturbing

Especially for the experiencer

Were I an investment firm I'd look back and see losses in the billions

For a God it would be like losing 7/8th of her creation

Stolen! Right from under your nose

The outrage is overwhelming

I'm tired boss

Letters A Thousand Feet High

I am surely saddened over my therapeutic relationship with my Dr coming to a close
It is amazing to me the way I am affected by it
I have never felt these things before and I say my goodness are they not anything but huge
Being that they are so big they come with much knowledge and experience to aid me as I negotiate my way across this wild plain

I really feel truly graced in knowing that I am a student worthy of such a teacher

I think the thing that makes it especially hard to say goodbye to this teacher is that I cannot imagine finding another to even come close in comparison to him

He is surely an otherworldly creature and to encounter one as such is a one in a billion chance

I mean how lucky could I be to rate so well again?

Such are my thoughts, and fears and anguishes

I do really good when I remember to not believe everything that I think

I found my last Fridays' visit with Dr to be a very soothing and satisfying as well as revealing as always

I look and see a depth in his eyes that is peerless in description
I see a place in there that feels more like home than home does
I rest there as I never have in my life
finding solace and sanctuary unparalleled and thrice unimagined on this fiercesome mortal coil

It is virtually impossible for me to become ground
As a matter of fact the week prior has left me so tired as trying to function when you cannot feel anything, especially the ground is exhausting

I don't want to face the reality of the pain that is encased in this parting

And this time the dissociative state is especially tempestuous
It is relentless in its many charms and in fact has me laced up in pleasures I had no prior taste of

Having me to wonder, what else does this siren have up her bottomless sieve?

With the effort of the kings army I respond to my Drs coaxing and I am back from the place of artificial escape

But it could not be so I realize, without my doctor and I feel the pain of reality trying to draw me back up out and away again
It is a great effort but I manage to stay 77 percent there
Holding on to that gaze of his like a life raft

Why do you want to leave so bad Moondrop?
Cause Dr I am in a state of grief so big to block the sun
He says is it because our therapy will soon end ?
And to that I say yes I grieve for you
I will miss you so much
Gosh I feel it now
The temptation to escape is maddening in its seductivity

In my illusions of delusion he comes to me right now
There he is in my house looking into my eyes
He reaches out and I easily feel his encouraging hand
He says, do not fall asleep Moondrop, come on, and let’s go
And I do, I hold his hand cause I know he knows the way

Deselect the Blogger Image Gracefully

over the course of many maps i follow the path that leads me to magic places
i trudge relentlessly with otherworldly
heroic effort
many methods take me to many worlds
and they are always worlds of great discovery

for all my efforts, through the rough and treacherous tumble
i manage to unearth treasures

sometimes these treasures come in the form of glass
looking glass
glasses
a crystal ball
something to s e e through

this time what I saw through my glass
showered me
showed me
just how indredibily deluded I was
I once was
and surely still am
in ways
i haven't seen yet

The first words beyond that of the obligatory type

have yet to affect me as completely as they have the potential to and we exchanged so many bright ideas I'll be here contemplating you till the cow jumps over the moon...

I Learn So Much About How My Origins Affect Me

PsychPage..

A Child Stuck in a Grown-ups Body

I have so much to realize
To study
To come to grips with
To own

I am alone
Mainly because I am so ashamed and embarrassed
To be
A Child Stuck in a Grown-ups Body
I am alone

A Meditation

Choose some object you naturally love,
and then forget the whole world.

Relish the presence, taste the presence,
feel it, go deep in it, and let it go deep
in you.

Now leave aside the feeling you have
for this object, and leave aside the
"absence-feeling".

Suddenly you fall into an absolute vacuum
and nothing remains.

Realize this vacuum, this nothingness.

This is your nature. This is pure being.

Literally Everything by Abigale Rising

I search out patterns

All the time

What am I looking for

I have to know

Or at least have some sort of idea

I feel like a question mark

Constantly hanging on to the

End of what I think is real

Since I am here for the duration having signed up for the bonus package...

I should like to permanently be rid of this black cloud of a shroud I'm engulfed in since it feels as though I've escaped its clutches for this moment

How much time do I have having escaped? I've sidestepped that chronic state of mind, breathing in clean gulps of elucidating data

It isn't a rare occurrence, this bit of awakening. Or should I say, this type of emergence. It is of one type that I find myself in, and in doing so I think I'd like to spend these particular moments on vacation.

Minessa's Travels Through a Town Called Tyler

I get the feeling that I am at least one thousand one hundred and one one-hundredth of a thousand steps ahead of the game

I ask again just how many steps I am ahead of this game?

I can be the shiniest thing in sight

I am surprised a giant crow hasn't scooped me up

And added me to his goody cache of shiny things

The Contemplating of Knowledge

I feel it is my duty, my responsibility as a person to learn all I can about everything I can.
As if it is somehow incumbent upon me
To contribute what I learn
To all
Of Humanity

My Dearest Doctor, Psychologist, Analyst, Therapist, Kind Friend...

I wonder what the things are that you keep from telling me for fear of hurting my feelings?

To cause me to run away and sink further
beyond reach

but maybe that is where i belong

when i don't resist it
beneath isn't such a bad place to be

Sand Art (click on Image for full view)

You are what you think of all day

You are what you think of all day You are what you think of all day

You are what you think of all day

Space in Togetherness

Corral Reef

Flora Italia

Snail Trails

Backdrop to a Dream

Rain and Me

Color of Shadows

Pond Creatures

Flowers for my Friend

doorstep in spring

Dream sleep

tactilationish (click on picture to see full view)

Neptunian Countryside

La Sereena

Tide Pools

Flora

Collage Mirage

In The Back of My Mind

Hidden Fossils

The Mechanism of my Amygdala

Catching Awareness in Action

The Power of Earth to Manifest Destiny

I've changed the way I make my "Y"s since my contemplation of you

Eyes and Essence

He revealed the next level of his essence
With his Eyes
Particularly his right eye

And in doing so
I glimpsed a depth of heart
Not noticed prior to that day
Particularly in my right eye

Neural Networks

Metaphors Are Everywhere

La Jolla