Exceptional Excitation and Verve

BE HERE NOW, beyond mind, beyond imagination, beyond everything.

Some explanation & clarification is needed as to the meaning of this!

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-- T. S. Eliot

The Problem With Being Crazy

Sometimes I think my sadness will overwhelm me to the point that my heart will break
Literally break
Shatter
Explode

It starts pounding and racing
and aching

Then I start worrying that it could really happen, and it makes me calm down, so I won't break it, cause if my heart really breaks I would surely die

All this just happened right now. I sometimes get triggered from a flashback to a time of past terror. I have lots of skills to combat flashbacks and I practice them intervening on my behalf, a lot of the time. But sometimes my skills don't work. Nothing works. And I start my hysteria...the downward spiral crossed the point of no return.

And I cry and I feel it...my heart certainly gets a good workout at least, right? Haha the optimist has come back!

I love mood swings...

Note to self....

“Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves.”

Carl Sagan

The Dark Path of a Reclusive Black Widow

In Her Mourning Gown
Brown Mascara running down

Leading to the way

From now On

Past Toys
Beyond Boys

The swell of tears
Brought Her here



Often Death marks a Turning Point
In One's Life

I'll keep my cigarettes and air conditioning though

I am Thinking Jubilantly Exhuberant Refreshing Thoughts

I am feeling nervous and aprehensive cause

I can feel my personality changing via controlled and embellished chemical pathways
I wonder how I can best take advantage of this mechanism
Control the course
To my best ends...

The Reality of Truth

Giving yourself permission to be crazy
Is acknowledging that you are
Which is, of course, acceptance

The Birth of Light

Latent and Low Latent Inhibition

Latent Inhibition is the natural ability to filter out the majority of incoming stimuli to the brain so one can concentrate and not be bogged down by extraneous information incidental to one's focus. Some people have Low Latent Inhibition and depending on the degree as I see it, it can be crippling as in psychosis or a tool of enlightenment for someone with an artistic slant. Here is a list of the "Pros" of Low Latent Inhibition. When I read it I see that I can identify with the majority of the "symptoms". My therapist specialises in Psychosis and when I asked him he said I am definitely not in that catagory. I believe him but nonetheless I certainly can empathize and relate with the condition.

1. You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
   

2. Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.
   

3. You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
   

4. When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.
   

5. Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
   

6. Your memory is good. You can recall extensive details without effort.
   

7. You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.
   

8. Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
   

9. There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
   

10. Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.
    

11. You notice things that other people miss.
    

12. You are innately organised.
    

13. There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.
    

14. Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
    

15. You see the world more thoroughly.
    

16. Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.
    

17. Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.
    

18. Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

More From 'Dynamic Balancing Tai Chi'...

Human Kind and Me

When I think back
To the kind I attract
I think
I shouldn't have friends
Or try to make friends
Until I'm further along
In my growing

Orphan Doomed to be a Perpetual Child

I have no inner guidance system
No outer guidance system
So in my childish mind I start seeking out patterns
Like stepping stones in the outer world to cling to
To navigate with
I am a rudderless wandering
Compass less wonderer

My inner guidance system is
That tiny little voice that says
You know I know the way
Why you don't tune into me more
I can't understand

Confusion over what is worthy of meaning to me

Throughout the history of being me I have assigned meaning to many things that were based in an unreality/a deception. Consequently, I suffer a great amount of uncertainty when trying to now assign meaning to anything.

This is another required class so to speak, in my endeavor to be rid, and finely shake that haunting, omnipresent shadow of a black dog...I have so many lessons. So much work. I've finally realize I have to learn to accept this personality disorder as something I have to submit to and adjust my life accordingly.

Good Citizen Goodie MoonDrop

For my therapeutic assignment I am to leave my place of seclusion called home and go to the library.

At the library I am to interact with the librarian inquiring as to her services as a research assistant.

Instead my head is telling me to stay in bed and do nothing but sleep my life away.

Away from this self imposed treachery present in each one of my steps.

The temptation is strong to escape to dream land

Very strong, attractive, luring

And then so says the reasoning part of me

No. let's not do nothing, let's do something

Anything but nothing

So here I am blogging apropos of nothing

Very apropos toward my greater good

Now off to my domestic responsibility

You've Attained God Like Status in My Eyes

through time coming and going

I visualize you waiting for me

tainted with impossible roses

posing like my lover

my mother

my cat my sister my brother

visions of your eyes gazing

back at mine

back at mine

seduce me

i see you walking to me

walking in the moonlight

to me

walking to me

This is my current delusion...

The experience of my existence has been so overly fraught with grief and unhappiness that it is to the point to where I wish the entire Empire State Building would collapse singularily on me. And because of this pervasive attitude I seem to very very wary of the way I spend my time. To suffer through anything less than great moments and peak experience is a waste of time for me. Therefore being that these type experience are very rare... most of the time I am miserable.

Squeaks, Chirps, Caws and General Freak Noises

Why is it when I think of a "marshmallow factory" I sense an onslaught of a potential existential crisis arising? Is it because I'm just bent that way? You know... inclined toward becoming cross-eyed, catatonic and ungrounded over such things?

I guess it's really not the marshmallow factory as much as it is imagining the place, the people, the product.

There is definitely a lot tied to these jet-puffed confections...

moments as a person

I see endless crazy patterns of insanity as I look across the time

and spaces I have occupied

If you could see me you'd spy a widow head to toe in her mourning gown

Therapy for the deeply disturbed is deeply disturbing

Especially for the experiencer

Were I an investment firm I'd look back and see losses in the billions

For a God it would be like losing 7/8th of her creation

Stolen! Right from under your nose

The outrage is overwhelming

I'm tired boss

Letters A Thousand Feet High

I am surely saddened over my therapeutic relationship with my Dr coming to a close
It is amazing to me the way I am affected by it
I have never felt these things before and I say my goodness are they not anything but huge
Being that they are so big they come with much knowledge and experience to aid me as I negotiate my way across this wild plain

I really feel truly graced in knowing that I am a student worthy of such a teacher

I think the thing that makes it especially hard to say goodbye to this teacher is that I cannot imagine finding another to even come close in comparison to him

He is surely an otherworldly creature and to encounter one as such is a one in a billion chance

I mean how lucky could I be to rate so well again?

Such are my thoughts, and fears and anguishes

I do really good when I remember to not believe everything that I think

I found my last Fridays' visit with Dr to be a very soothing and satisfying as well as revealing as always

I look and see a depth in his eyes that is peerless in description
I see a place in there that feels more like home than home does
I rest there as I never have in my life
finding solace and sanctuary unparalleled and thrice unimagined on this fiercesome mortal coil

It is virtually impossible for me to become ground
As a matter of fact the week prior has left me so tired as trying to function when you cannot feel anything, especially the ground is exhausting

I don't want to face the reality of the pain that is encased in this parting

And this time the dissociative state is especially tempestuous
It is relentless in its many charms and in fact has me laced up in pleasures I had no prior taste of

Having me to wonder, what else does this siren have up her bottomless sieve?

With the effort of the kings army I respond to my Drs coaxing and I am back from the place of artificial escape

But it could not be so I realize, without my doctor and I feel the pain of reality trying to draw me back up out and away again
It is a great effort but I manage to stay 77 percent there
Holding on to that gaze of his like a life raft

Why do you want to leave so bad Moondrop?
Cause Dr I am in a state of grief so big to block the sun
He says is it because our therapy will soon end ?
And to that I say yes I grieve for you
I will miss you so much
Gosh I feel it now
The temptation to escape is maddening in its seductivity

In my illusions of delusion he comes to me right now
There he is in my house looking into my eyes
He reaches out and I easily feel his encouraging hand
He says, do not fall asleep Moondrop, come on, and let’s go
And I do, I hold his hand cause I know he knows the way

Deselect the Blogger Image Gracefully

over the course of many maps i follow the path that leads me to magic places
i trudge relentlessly with otherworldly
heroic effort
many methods take me to many worlds
and they are always worlds of great discovery

for all my efforts, through the rough and treacherous tumble
i manage to unearth treasures

sometimes these treasures come in the form of glass
looking glass
glasses
a crystal ball
something to s e e through

this time what I saw through my glass
showered me
showed me
just how indredibily deluded I was
I once was
and surely still am
in ways
i haven't seen yet

The first words beyond that of the obligatory type

have yet to affect me as completely as they have the potential to and we exchanged so many bright ideas I'll be here contemplating you till the cow jumps over the moon...

I Learn So Much About How My Origins Affect Me

PsychPage..

A Child Stuck in a Grown-ups Body

I have so much to realize
To study
To come to grips with
To own

I am alone
Mainly because I am so ashamed and embarrassed
To be
A Child Stuck in a Grown-ups Body
I am alone

A Meditation

Choose some object you naturally love,
and then forget the whole world.

Relish the presence, taste the presence,
feel it, go deep in it, and let it go deep
in you.

Now leave aside the feeling you have
for this object, and leave aside the
"absence-feeling".

Suddenly you fall into an absolute vacuum
and nothing remains.

Realize this vacuum, this nothingness.

This is your nature. This is pure being.

Literally Everything by Abigale Rising

I search out patterns

All the time

What am I looking for

I have to know

Or at least have some sort of idea

I feel like a question mark

Constantly hanging on to the

End of what I think is real

Since I am here for the duration having signed up for the bonus package...

I should like to permanently be rid of this black cloud of a shroud I'm engulfed in since it feels as though I've escaped its clutches for this moment

How much time do I have having escaped? I've sidestepped that chronic state of mind, breathing in clean gulps of elucidating data

It isn't a rare occurrence, this bit of awakening. Or should I say, this type of emergence. It is of one type that I find myself in, and in doing so I think I'd like to spend these particular moments on vacation.