I Declare And Dedicate One Year To The Full Expression Of My Magical Thinking

I choose to indulge in and express all

that I imagine to be real

the expression will be of course based in unreality

But that does not stop me from reaping the great rewards of

The psuedo states of Bliss found

None The Less

No, Nonetheless

eyes on the moment

The days have been so beautiful
I would love to hit one from the gate

I have been doing a lot of brain work
you could say

I was prompted to do some writing on

the subject from some reading of the same

I practically felt my neural networks

pulling my thoughts along my investigation

One thing leading to another to another to another

Along comes infinity

I saw how all thought is one thought

As in, I have been thinking since I first noticed
and I still am

This entry is for the purposes of therapeutic catharsism

and really shouldn't be read if you are apt to shades of blue...

I have multi-trauma junk stuck way far back from my brain stem to my tortured neo-cortex

This causes a huge interference with the electrical circuitry in my cells

Especially in the command center

My goal is to rewire me

I love the idea of positive thinking and

the realization that what you focus on becomes your life

I think of those ideas when I have up moods

The traumas I endured

Lasted for way too many years

And I got to the point where I really

really really really

wanted to be dead

The thought of my demise was an obsession

As in I thought about it constantly

Not wanting to die of course

I was just so tired tired tired

of those haunting images

The relentlessness of it all

The only way I could see to make it

Stop was to go to sleep and never wake up again

Cause being nothing would be

At least relief

UPDATE:

I'm feeling much better now

My Personality Hurts But I'm Glad You're Still Listening

I apologize if I am acting silly and maybe a little odd
I don't mean to call you Tyler-Cakes
And I don't mean to tell you I've changed the way I make my y's when I spell out your name
And I also don't mean anything by my big smiles
Except to say
While it's really true that I do love you
It's only because I liked you first
And now that I love you
I like you even more

(this is a poem to my therapist to whom I walk a path of transference with)

Breakfast with Therapy

When I first started treatment for my depression I included from the start therapeutic one on one counseling with a professional trained in the field. This person is of unique perspective and invaluable service providing a mirror into myself that I didn't know was possible.

Ninety minutes, once a week, for a full year I went to see him. I bled my heart out with him and shed so much misery as he reflected the goodness that was in everything I experienced. Everything that had me on this path to madness.

I must emphasize that the therapy we did was very intense. And not only just for me.

I had to relive so much in that office. So much including complex trauma from being a victim of a horrible crime. A crime you'd kill for if it happened to your mother.

I'd leave his office in an absolute total dissociative fugue. An unbelievable otherworldly state. I'd have to walk around the campus for an hour to compose myself before I could drive. Often finding a secluded place to purge myself of so much misery...heartbreak flowing from my soul through so many tears

One day I was trying to shake this yuck off of me. This awful black cloud. I starting thinking about funny things. Just random stuff that never fails to make me laugh. The sort of stuff that pops in your head out of nowhere. Like in the grocery store line, forcing your face to turn red as you try and stifle your laughter. Then I started thinking. I wonder what Dr Dear does to decompress? After all he's not a robot. He must have received some sort of training to shield himself from the horrible stories spewing from my mouth. Then I started laughing. All I could imagine was my Dr. scrubbing himself down in his office, but with what? What would he use? And that's when I thought...I know he's using cocoa puffs! out of his lunch box! Ritually cleansing his face of the residue of my sorrow...

How Can I fix My Brain When I'm Trying To Fix My Brain With A Brain That Needs Fixing?

Jack said: I think I figured out what the deal is MJ. I think I know how to approach this burning topic. I think the whole crux of it rests on the fact that I've just seen, been witness to, experienced, tasted an over abundance of soul shaking human carnage.

MJ Jones: Well you were/are a warrior is that not true? And how many campaigns was that? across the years? Through endless fields of tears? pretending you were invulnerable and above it all?

Jack: I see. Certainly I must have been averse to it from the onslaught, the start, from the very beginning of things. I see I did what I had to do to survive. Hey MJ, ... guess what?

MJ Jones: What's that Jack?

Jack: I just noticed something else

MJ Jones: ?

Jack: I'm still alive...

Comrades In Arms

I am awfully depressed and do suffer terribly with sadness, so much pain something fierce

you know the feeling

which means you know the feeling
and that means
you relate
and i relate

we are here to show our comrades great things, comrade

bring out the best in each other, one another

it's my aim even during spells of madness

Chemical Sensitivities

I am beginning to suspect that I experience adverse reactions to the chemicals associated with the effects of experiencing love

It's a silly/nice metaphor and such, but all jesters aside I believe I just might have a hypersensitivity

And I think I just might be on to something

I will surely find out more about this while studying physiology

One's things for certain though, nothing else has gotten me as high as love has

Dear Universe, Thanks for helping me get smarter, but sheesh already,

Do you have to insist on being such a heartless tyrant?

Your lessons although priceless and brilliant are relentless in their level of difficulty and since I have earned quite a bit of seniority on the scene, I feel it is high time you re-visit your lesson plan

You've got my attention you know





You can stop yelling at me now

"Death Needs Time For What It Kills To Grow In"

The Wallpaper Project

Seasonal Colors

The thought of yellow..
The thought of yellow in the spring this time of year...
Yellow is so refreshing, bright and wholesome

Some things come to mind:

A clean and crisp yellow sheet drying in the breeze

A refreshing glass of ice cold lemonade

Light filtering through sheer yellow drapes

A mustard flower field

A yellow checkered sundress

and last

yellow jello (=

From the Obssession Files

The word "Chicago" has been haunting me for months
i know now that i've noticed it, i'll notice it more, and more and more...

it is so weird it tries to mean like it means something

flippin' weird

am I bats yet? LoL

I feel sorry for the whole world when someone dies like that. It means we all failed.

Her best friend's mom committed suicide

I can only imagine the horror that the mom must have been going through

That kind of thing echoes through the generations

leaving the left behind

feeling so left behind

Quanitfying what the feelings are with words to aid in understanding

The clues are so cryptic
heiroglyphic


Everywhere i go
the background or ambient noise
starts to organize
and next i'm hearing
all sorts of forms of symphony from
any continent out there
it is so imaginative
this music is so diverse

Composed of
the rain mixed with the computer hmmm
then the cars going by
the refridgerator
they all play
so melodious through
the true eye

The increase of my medicine
factors greatly

Is True Objectivity Possible?

Since the measuring device has been constructed by the observer...
we have to remember that what we observe is not nature in itself,
but nature exposed to our method of questioning. -

Werner Karl Heisenberg (1901-1976)

Try This...It's a Consciousness Exercise

It Grows New Brain Cells...

Ask yourself how you came to think of this question...?

Sit there in your chair and ask yourself how did I come to this question? Keep answering yourself for 15 minutes...

It'll go a little something like this...

Well I'm asking myself this question because, that moondrop woman blogged about it. I blog because I am into writing and blogging is something I learned about from my computer via the internet. I got my computer at a place called Datel and while there I ran into my classmate from Iceland. He's just getting back from visiting his family there and told me the fishing was great...


Get the idea? try it. Do it. Don't worry about time limits. It's really engaging and fun. And it counts as meditating too.

Momentum of Resistance

I can see through all of it
Just like air through air
Hurry asteroid!
The Planet is Hell
Run by Bastards

Time acts as space does when distancing oneself from a delusion

It is circular in this action

orbiting away

in an upward whirlpool

Momentous moments with more moments in between

My emotions trick me

they are the neurotic

but because they come in the form of emotion

when they strike me, i pay attention

as if they somehow are representing something urgent

an emergency

to be so keyed up this way

has to mean

something

something like

something must be wrong

what that something is

is anyone's guess

Waking Life (a great movie)

Divert the Subliminal Messages

The Day I Tickled My Hippocampus

I am studying neurophysiology. I am learning much about the physical structure of, namely, the brain...
All of its hemispheres, components, systems, failures, diseases, malfunctions, etc.

I know all too good and well that my brain has some sort of organic malady. And through my studies I have learned that the area most likely to be affected in a brain such as mine will be the limbic system. And of that system, the amygdala and the hippocampus will have taken the hardest hits. One is hyperactive when it should be mellow, and the other is just the opposite. That's putting it really really basically.

I know what the limbic structure looks like. I've seen it in MRIs, CT scans, drawings, paintings, computer generated, animated images, autopsy photos...everything but, ummm, in the flesh...

I am really game to try anything, really what ever it takes to sooth my psychological unrest. I start imaginging my very own limbic system, and how it's stressed, and ailing, and tired. I start sort of empathising with its condition, trying to figure out ways to make it feel better, sooth it in a nurturing way. I imagine little hands with silken fingers, petting it and tickling it most lovingly. Carressing it and showing it some attention, right down to the cells of it, the molecular structure. I start laughing cause it is so playful and silly. I assume I do it in jest, but I see in all actuality it feels effective...in a good way...in a caring way...how amazing to be able to sooth my own brain by comforting its inner workings.

"Hope is the bridge between success and failure"

this is true and sometimes i do

feel so hopeless

i don't like to but it just happens

you know

sometimes

Well, for one, he was afraid of spiders & killed them indiscrimentally

I stopped a friendship from developing with a person
because I feared acquiring, adopting, the quirks,
or what appeared to be quirks to me, in their personality

As of yet, I have not been defined.
I have not defined myself.
I have trouble distinguishing what is you from

What is me

What is me

?

NOT a spider killer...

Falling in the Spring

Ever notice how it is we always fall in love? We never tread softly in to love, or step lightly in to love. If love is a good thing than why is it described as a fall?

existential existence

i'm in my perch my loft doing some stretches and such
i look across the room and see my fossilized trilobite
sitting there
like fossils do
it is an extraordinary thing this fossil
it is more than likely 50 billion years old
that really should be an awe inspiring fact
but some how it isn't i just accept it
like 50 billion years ago is no big deal

Stream of Consciousness Writing

Okay, here is something all weird and funky you might wanna hear. Once I went to the movies with my bro Wilhelm. It was a Tuesday matinee for a Star Trek movie. No one was there, well not many of us. Anyway, you’re walking into the theatre with your popcorn and soda. You scan quickly for a seat. Right in the middle of my seat scanning my eyes come to an immediate halt…. Errrrrrrrrr! Or what ever tire screeching sounds like when sliding. What was it that drew my attention so hard and sharply? Tune in next week and ‘Ill tell you all about it… No really, right there in the middle of the theater sat a patron and this patron was not your ordinary patron no… no no no this patron was special. Not only was he sitting there alone in the middle of the theatre, with a big, shaven head, he was sitting there with red sequined DEVIL HORNS crowning is shinny dome! Me and Wil immediately see this and we both look at each other like dumb and dumber holding back our laughter, to the kind of tune you make when your about to pop. We totally wanted to crack up. I think I will leave here and come back as another person. I see this page is just loaded with red marks like a Polluck painting. Condescending little red marks all over the place; as if word perfect is my Nazi schoolmarm and each and every mistake I make is caught immediately and hauled off and stamped with with a scarlet letter. So anyway I will ignore that… oh damn it has been seven minutes. I think I will go past the 10 minutes. I really want to as this is so fun… it really is, which brings me to the not so fun, referring to this morning. I wake and I see that it is the day light hour the first thing that pops in my head was something from a dream, and it said fruits, vegetables and intellectuals. I’m like hey that sounds pretty clever, I need to write that down. So I thought about writing it down and then I said to my self, in a minute in a minute…it needs to soak a little in the sink… mm hmm, like I am just resting my eyes… Again, I think to myself, hey I need to write that down and 2 hours later I have. It has been 10 minutes. Now I will save this again, “Control Ess” is the keyboard shortcut. Keyboard shortcuts are very helpful and useful for me. Okay, you wanna hear something funny? The whole time I have been typing this, I myself have been brazenly sporting horns, red sequined devil horns. The End.

thinking and thinking

I am trying to identify all the ways in which my issues have woven their way into my levels of consciousness… if the subconscious is unaware of the consciousness, what might my consciousness be unawares?

Checking each other out bouncing ideas off one another all the while I get brighter and brighter blue-prints

The cat has got my tongue my telephones tongue too

My other

Cat has the rest of us asimmer in witches brew

It is kind of like being in a state

that is of great enjoyment euphoric in a big stick, summer day kind of way

One that you do not want interupt anytime soon

lesson of the day...

S t e e l
Y o u r
S e l f

The 13 Moon Calendar

It occurred to me that perhaps the entirety of my psychological unrest, rests on the fact that I have bought into the idea of the Gregorian Calendar. I've bought it lock, stock and barrel...hook line and stinker. I have a receipt for the whole nine yards of it.

I am very avail to set my self up to start using an alternative. The 13 Moon Calendar of days and times, places and people yon past seems much more conducive to me.

I think it is worth a try. I mean I would try anything to gain some perspective on this madness.

Time has NEVER made sense to me.

It really could be my problem.

The very crux of it all...

Learning what anxious is...

For a full day after my last psychotherapy visit, I was very anxious and upset. Tyler and I talked about Dror and that stirred up the huge cauldron of emotions that I have tied to him. I have come away from that therapy/client relationship with my Dear Dr Dror with many unresolved expressions, feelings, emotions, etc.etc... Time has been good to me as far as distancing the heartbreak of our parting. But to stir it up, investigate it, study it like we did, brought so much of it back to me. It has been a year more or less that I became aware, on heavy levels that I was soon to be without him. The particular placement of the planet at this time of year does something to stir up my feeling towards him too I see. the particular placement of the planet this time of year...that effect is very worthy of reflection. Places on Earthly planes of perspective are recollective of instances gone by, so it only serves to reason that the orbit of the earth, the specific places in its oblique circle, stir up memories and images much the same way...aaah Dror...I reflect upon you so much, you have to be a satellite of mine...